The "Year Ago Today"s

The "Year Ago Today"s have officially begun.  For example, yesterday I thought, "it was a year ago today that I was in Zagreb being told that I might have cancer.  Tomorrow, I can say, "it was a year ago today that I found out I had cancer."  Technically, there have been some other examples like this through October and November, but yesterday was the first one that made me really say, "wow...that's crazy."

It has been awhile since I have posted a blog, so why write about this all of a sudden?  Because I want to learn from my "Year Ago Today"s.  How often do we make these statements through life as we remember some major event?  I would say pretty often.  The "Year Ago Today"s are like the altars we see the Israelites build so often in the Old Testament.  In my opinion, we should make the most of them...not to find ourselves living in the past, but to see ourselves moving forward in joy and faith.  For the good moments, we can rejoice and find joy in what God has given us.  However, can we not do the same with the difficult moments in life?  I say that we can.

So, here is what I want my "Year Ago Today" moment to sound like tomorrow:  "Wow!  A year ago today I began to REALLY learn what it means to consider it pure joy as I face trials of any kind.  A year ago today I began to see God change my life in ways I never expected.  I praise my God for this year ago today!"

Refining Feels So Good...Afterwards

"And I will put this third into the fire,
    and refine them as one refines silver,
    and test them as gold is tested.
They will call upon my name,
    and I will answer them.
I will say, ‘They are my people’;
    and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.'"
                               -Zechariah 13:9 (ESV) 


Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
                                                                                          -Romans 5:3-5

It has been awhile since I have posted again, but it is definitely time to share a little more about my journey.  As for my physical body, God has been good to me.  However, I still find myself having trouble with eating sometimes and still lacking energy some days as I am trying to get back in the swing of "normal" life again.  So, while I can share many praises about physical healing and recovery, it is the spiritual healing and refining that now feels so good.

I am going to open up a little bit and get a little raw here.  I think I have to in order to be able to effectively share the blessing of God's refining me in his fire.  And while it has hurt through the journey, it feels so good right now.  So, here goes...

First, one of my biggest weaknesses in life has been confidence in myself.  This weakness has taken a few different forms throughout my life.  For example, I have lost number of the amount of times I have compared myself to other people.  As a missionary, I have compared myself to numerous people here.  As a youth director, I compared myself to past youth directors I worked for.  And the list goes on...as a student, camp counselor, worship leader, musician, husband, father, follower of Christ.

Next, I am a harmonizer.  It is very rare for me to ever take sides.  Exceptions include when it comes to maintaining Biblical truth or the occurrence of flat-out evil.  Now, God has created me this way and it is one of my strengths.  However, this character trait can turn into people-pleasing.  Over the past couple of years, the enemy has really been able to use this in ways that has caused me to think very low of myself at times...to the point where emotional healing became necessary.  Please allow me to spare you the details.  Just know that God had some work to do on me.

Whew...that was some heavy stuff.  The optimist in me is itching to get to the good news.  So, I will.  God has used this medical journey through cancer, operation, treatments, and recovery to work on areas in me way beyond the physical body.  I can sit here today and say that I am a different person.  God has taught me to truly believe that he "will be my confidence" (Psalm 3:32).  My heart is going through healing that is drawing me so much closer to God.  I have learned the importance and wisdom of creating healthy boundaries in my life (with work, relationships, ministry, family, etc).  I have known joy in a new way.  I have a deep hunger for God's Word that is refreshing.  I have been more refined, and it feels so good.

Praise be to our glorious God!

I ain't 'fraid of no ghost!

So, I need to be going to bed right now (it's 12:30am here), but I had an epiphany I needed to get it out.  Let me preface by saying that the title is a gimmick to try to snag the reader (yeah, that's you...did it work?).  I will not be sharing any stories about literal ghosts.  However, if I feel the urge, I just might use "ghost" as a metaphorical reference.  Really, my theme is about fear and I could not resist the Ghostbusters plug.

I must confess that there have been a few things that I have been anxious about regarding our return to Bosnia-Herzegovina.  Now, I do not mean "anxious" in the inaccurate usage of the word.  These were not things that I was excited about, but rather experienced anxiety over.  The beautiful thing, though, is that God had already begun to do a healing work in me before we even set foot on the plane.  He had begun to speak to me numerous times, "Do not be afraid."  But, as of about 15 minutes ago, God absolutely expanded my horizons on overcoming these fears.

Today has been a day of remembering.  Earlier, I was cleaning out our Gmail inbox and came across some old photos of our two weeks in Zagreb, Croatia while I was in the hospital after surgery.  Following this, I began to remember different moments in our apartment around this same time as I looked around.  This led to thinking about the 10 days we had to buy plane tickets for America and get everything packed that was going with us and everything settled that was going to stay.  Finally, about 18 minutes ago, I arrived at pondering my time through cancer treatments.

Then it hit me like a slap in the face!  All of these things that I have been fearful of suddenly looked very small in comparison.  God delivered me through all of that stuff I thought about today.  He gave me the strength and peace to agree to a major surgery in a country foreign to me.  He sustained me through 10 days in a hospital in which communication was anything but easy (due to more than just differing languages).  And He continued to be my Rock through all the rest of it.  More than that, He has been with me doing these same things through situations over my lifetime.

So...my epiphany.  If God has been my "help of ages past," then I have no "ghost" to fear in years to come.  He will not stop what I have known of Him before.  He is my Rock!

Good night.

Pray for Selah...

Hey friends,

I want to ask you to pray for this 3-year-old girl, Selah.  Lance (her father) was one of my college roommates for a couple of years.  This family is very dear to us.  They are currently missionaries in Rwanda.  They have been in the process of moving, and a metal box accidentally fell on Selah's head.  Due to this accident, she has been suffering from a fracture to the base of her skull (which is causing her brain to swell), spinal fluid leaking from her ear, and damage to one of her eye sockets.  She is sedated and on ventilation.  Due to the swelling of her brain, the next 24 hours are extremely critical.

I must confess that prayer has been a spiritual discipline that I have struggled with the most.  I am one of those people that will tell someone, "I will pray for you," but then a couple of days later I realize I have forgotten.  This situation has certainly drawn me to my knees.  God hears our prayers and he answers.  I know that he will heal Selah.  Please pray without ceasing with me.

I got this picture in my head as I was praying this morning.  I saw Jesus, the Lover of our souls, standing next to Selah with his hand resting on her head.  He was saying, "I am here and I am not going anywhere.  I love you."  Praise our Father that we have a Great High Priest that knows our pain and sorrows.

If you would like to stay updated and get more details, here is a link to follow:

http://prayerwall.worldventure.com/lance-and-tiffany-ferguson/

Learning to Trust Again

It's time to get real.  I am definitely what you all an external processor and things become so much clearer for me when I can get it out.  Therefore, that is what I am going to do here.  I will attempt to make my thoughts coherent, but please forgive if I ever slip into stream of consciousness.  Also, please read all the way through to the end before you make any deductions about the situation or comments for me.

I was prepared for the cancer treatments.  I had prayed much, been prayed for much, and had totally rallied myself to take it head on.  God had taught me a lot about "considering it pure joy" and I was as ready as I would ever be.  While the treatments were not easy, I felt that everything went well and I was incredibly thankful for how God provided.  So, you can imagine how excited I was when the countdown arrived and we knocked the rest of those treatments out.  What came next, though, most definitely blindsided me.

Now, let's fast forward to the present real quick.  My last treatments were on April 1st (over 7 and a half weeks ago) and I still have a while to go to full recovery.  I can honestly say that my optimism did not allow me to expect anything like this.  To give you an idea, I had high hopes to eat Kerbey Lane pancakes during our trip to Austin the weekend after my treatments ended.  Ir was not until May 11th until I had my pancakes (6 weeks post-treatment).  The first 2 weeks after treatments were probably the hardest weeks of the whole experience (regarding pain and hopes being crushed).  It took about 2-3 weeks for all of my rashes to clear up and about a month a half for the mouth sores to heal.  I am finally being able to try foods that I have been hoping for, but my taste is far from fully returning.

Please understand me here...my goal is in no way to complain.  I am merely confessing that I was utterly unprepared for my post-treatment experience.  As I said before, I was definitely blindsided.  I also share all of this because I am finally dealing with the effects this unpreparedness and post-treatment have had on me.  The reason I am being so honest to share is because God is bringing things to light and teaching me to trust Him again.  I did not know things had come to that, but they had.  Allow me to share some of the major things that have come to light (and I'm putting myself out there).  Keep in mind that things will get more positive and encouraging after the list is over.

1.  That "first meal" was not what I imagined.  When we got back to the States in January, I had recovered well enough after the surgery.  So, when I finally bit into that Jumbo Joe's jumbo cheeseburger, it was wonderful.  Someone asked me one day, "Was it really that good?"  After eating and drinking everything through my nose for two weeks and then only having liquids for awhile...yes, it was that good.  So, I naturally had similar expectations for that "first meal" after treatments were over.  Once I could finally eat something solid again, it just didn't taste like I remembered.  During treatments, I could tell you exactly what I couldn't wait for.  Now, when people ask what I want or where I want to go, it's is very hard for me to pick because I still don't know what I might enjoy the most.

2.  Things are not going to be the same as before.  Don't get me wrong, I believe that God can fully restore my taste, feeling in my face and tongue, etc.  However, I have had the realization that there is a chance that I will not taste the same as before.  Also, I will be following up with doctors for at least the next 5 years (every 3 months with CT scans for the next 2 years, etc).  Everyone knows that things change as you grow older, but it feels like someone stole the remote and pressed fast forward.

3.  I have not been excited about going back to Bosnia.  I do not doubt that this is what God wants from us right now, and obedience to him is the most important thing to me in this.  However, a few things have made me fear this transition.  For example, I definitely allowed myself to have the expectation that I would be fully recovered before we returned (especially after we changed our plane tickets allowing an additional month and a half).  Also, after this whole situation, it just feels "safe" here.  All of this has combined with some other fears I have been working to let go of.

Whew...enough of that.  Now, I'm ready to share something encouraging.  Truth is that encouraging things have been happening ever since treatments ended.  The mouth sores have healed, I can eat again, I have much more energy, etc.  However, much of this had become overshadowed by my unpreparedness for post-treatment.

Therefore, the most encouraging point is that God is teaching me how to trust him again.  I can tell you with all of my heart that God is infinitely faithful.  Oh, how he has cared for us and provided for us.  And he is letting me know that he does not stop.  Regarding my health, God is saying, "I love you, so trust me."  Regarding Bosnia and my fears, God is saying, "I love you, so trust me."  Regarding my tastebuds, God is saying, "Oh, taste and see that I am good!  Blessed is the man who takes refuge in me!" (Psalm 34:8).

So, what now?  I am ready to stop banking my hope in recovery and "safety."  I am ready to bank my hope in his faithfulness and his promises.  He loves me and I know I can trust him.

Answered Prayer is Seaux Good!

For years, I have wanted to go to the New Orleans Jazz Festival.  It just so happened that the Jazz Fest was scheduled about a month after my treatments ended (although, I'm not so sure that was their intentional plan).  Seemed like a good way to unwind after a long few months.  Fortunately, my wonderful wife thought that this dream should come true for me.  Plus, we would get to get time with Jess' family as well.  So, the tickets were bought.

Well, I am currently writing this post after experiencing a wonderful day at the Jazz Festival.  We got to enjoy Better Than Ezra, The Neville Brothers, and the Dave Matthews Band.  They were all fantastic.  Why wouldn't they be?  I actually have a huge highlight apart from the music to share with you.

I love food from New Orleans.  Therefore, I have been praying for awhile that I would be healed enough to enjoy some tasty cuisine at the Festival.  As of yesterday, it still was very uncertain that this prayer would be answered as I hoped.  I decided to take a chance.

We found one of the food lines and I began to watch what people were eating.  I saw a pasta dish called Crawfish Monica that looked promising.  Well...we had a winner!!!  I was able to enjoy a great dish without it hurting me.  I tasted every bite and savored it.  I had a big sweet tea that felt so refreshing to swallow.  Then there was a bonus...I still felt good enough to truly enjoy a serving of White Chocolate Bread Pudding.  My prayer was more than answered and my expectations far exceeded. 

Another praise and blessing was an overcast day, so I did not have to worry about being sunburned (since the radiation has made this a much higher possibility for me).   It was also the longest Jess and I have been away from Anabell, and she was a little angel for her Nana and Papa.  We are extremely grateful for them taking great care of her (with the help of some of her great-grandparents as well).

As I am writing this post, my mouth is actually hurting right now, but today was definitely a big milestone in my healing.  Glory to God!

Pillbox Graduate...

I have another bit of great news today.  I have officially finished my last prescribed, required medication this morning.  So long, antibiotics.  I have had a lot of medications through all of this, and it is very nice to have graduated from my pillbox.  It feels good.

On a side note, while on our way to church this morning, I asked Jess to help me think of a good title for this post.  She did come up with "Pillbox Pusher," but not before the suggestion, "Droppin' the Drugs."  I laughed and told her that title was not going to work.  She understood.

Oh Flavor, Good to Have You Back

A few times, I have been asked, "What was one of the hardest things about treatments?"  Well, let's imagine you are asking me that question right now, and let me tell you.  Food, and not getting to enjoy it.  Many people going through cancer treatments experience nausea and lose their appetite.  For me, my appetite stayed pretty strong for the most part.  I can definitely tell you that I continued to see and smell food like I always had, but my taste buds went on vacation.  Also, because of my mouth sores, my menu has been extremely limited.  For a while, it was just peanut butter, honey, vanilla, and milk...all in liquid form.  Now, let's fast forward to today.

I have slowly been able to add more flavors to my list such as chocolate and strawberries.  I have been able to slowly add solid foods back to my diet such as scrambled eggs and some pasta dishes.  However, my taste buds had still not returned from their vacation.  Truth is, I could taste things, but mostly at the back of my mouth, and it was pretty faint.

But, then, I woke up this morning.  I went to the kitchen and found that Jess had made some cinnamon rolls.  I said, "I'm going to try one."  When the first bite hit my tongue, I noticed something delightfully different.  I thought, "I think that this tastes good, but I'm not sure."  I tried another bite and thought, "This IS good."  With a boost of confidence, Jess and I went to Applebee's with some friends.  I ordered the grilled tilapia and FINISHED IT!!!  While eating the tilapia, I noticed that it did NOT taste very good (probably needed some sauce or something).  However, this was FANTASTIC news.  I could taste it.

I am still not all the way back, and it is still difficult to eat solids.  But, today was a HUGE milestone and sign of progress.  I now have a full week until Jess and I go to the New Orleans Jazz Festival.  I am confident that I will be enjoying some good food that day.  Hallelujah!  Praise the Lord!

The Incredible Edible (again) Egg

It's official...I ate solid food again.  Eggs were the last solid food I was eating during treatments, so I felt like I had recovered enough to go for it again.  I prepared three eggs (scrambled) with butter and shredded cheese, and about 45 minutes later I pumped a victory fist in the air.  Yes, it took me about 45 minutes to eat 3 eggs, but I ate them.

Recovery has definitely moved slower than I expected.  I am an optimistic person, so I had allowed myself pretty high hopes.  However, the recovery, in some ways, has been harder than the treatments.  One of my teammates in Bosnia (who is from Estonia) told me an Estonian phrase today:  "I got over the dog but cannot get over his tail!"  True words, Estonia.  I have had some new rashes show up on my neck that are really raw right now.  Then, over the past 2 days, I have been fighting with some epic allergies (or a minor cold).  Coughing and sneezing don't go well with a throat that is still sore and a tongue trying to still fend off sores.  Now, let me say that this paragraph is more of a chronicle of my experience than a complaint.  So, that's enough of that.

Yet God continues to be good to us.  Progress can be seen and people continue to love us well.  I am able to taste old flavors again without them burning my mouth.  I even lost a little bit of hair at the bottom of my hairline on the back of my neck.  Why is this good?  Gave me another valid reason to buzz my head again.  Feels so good.  And, again, the completion of solid food was a HUGE victory. 

Tomorrow...I think we'll try some mashed potatoes.

Done Deal

It is unbelievable how good God has been to me.  He has sustained me through this trial and continues to.  Although there is still some recovery to go, it sure feels good to know that it will no longer be interrupted by more treatments.  The doctor even said that I may begin to eat more normal again by the end of the week.  Wow, that would be nice.

My wife and I are very grateful that God led us to Southwest Cancer Center.  This group of people do a great job caring for their patients.  They even did a shaky face picture for me, too...

Now, I call that first-rate care.

I also want to thank all of you for your prayers.  Jess and I have felt God answering these prayers often.  Plus, we have felt loved immensely by so many people adding action to their prayers and taking care of us so well.  We love you all very much.

And then, a little shout out to my wife.  She is a champ!  I have embarrassed her enough and she has told me to stop, so we will leave it at that.

What now?  Well, I will continue to keep you posted as God continues to flesh out what He has wanted me to learn through all of this.  I would also love to keep you updated with the new blessings to come of getting to taste flavors again, eat solid food, and find energy to be Billy again.  So, feel free to stay tuned.

God is good, ALL the time!!!  Amen!

Bill Streu the Science Dude...

Okay, so I held out on this post for awhile because I had hopes of presenting this material with a fun video.  It would have made this post so much less boring.  But, fatigue set in and I kept forgetting.  I just want to write this out so that I can remember what it is I had done.  Therefore, this post is probably more for me than for you (but, I think it is still interesting, nonetheless).

Just call me Bill Streu, the Science Dude.  I want to take a moment to explain what this "chemo" is that I am receiving.  In fact, it is not technically chemotherapy, but the cancer center still calls it chemo since the side effects can be similar.  I also receive the medication through IV infusion over 2 hours, so it is very much like chemotherapy.

I have learned that there are now three major kinds of treatments for cancer:  Radiotherapy, Chemotherapy, and Targeted Therapy.  I have been taking a drug called Erbitux (or Cetuximab), which is a Targeted Therapy (and is also sometimes called a monoclonal antibody).  Chemotherapy and Targeted Therapy are both used to block the growth of cancer cells by interfering with rapidly dividing cells.  However, Targeted Therapies target specific molecules that aid in dividing cancer cells, whereas traditional chemotherapy interferes with all rapidly dividing cells.  So, what is Erbitux specifically targeting?

Apparently, there are these things in our bodies called Epidermal Growth Factor Receptors (EGFRs).  These EGFRs can attach to cells in our body and then attract proteins called Growth Factors that can help aid that cell's growth and division.  Therefore, it is not a good thing when these EGFRs find cancer cells.  This is where the Erbitux comes in.

The Erbitux supposedly moves in like a ninja and gives the EGFR a roundhouse kick to the face.  In turn, this ninja work helps enhance the effectiveness of the good work the radiation is trying to do.  So, I agreed to let that ninja in.

There you have it.  I know a fun video would have been so much more entertaining.  Maybe some day.

We Should Have a Soundtrack For Everything

I love how music just has that way of connecting you to specific seasons of events in life.  For example, every time I hear Ace of Base's "I Saw the Sign," I just think about the summer of 1996.  Do I remember anything that happened that summer?  Not really.  But, somehow I just know, "Mmmm...feels like summer of '96."  When I hear Otis Redding singing "Stand By Me," I will always think of dancing with my beautiful bride at our wedding.  I think all of us can think of at least one song that takes us back in a very specific way.

Soundtracks add so much to movies, and I would argue they do for life as well.  A good soundtrack can make a long road trip epic or a bad work day not hurt so bad.  So, I thought that a soundtrack for my radiation therapy was entirely necessary.  Therefore, I created Treatment Tunes, Volumes 1 & 2.  I thought I would share the playlists with you. 

Some of you will be interested in this, and some of you will not.  But, I love to share music with others and maybe someone just might find their new favorite artist out of these lists.

Treatment Tunes, Volume 1:

• Goodmorning (Pink Ganter Remix) - William Fitzsimmons
• She Lit a Fire - Lord Huron
• Spotlight - Leagues
• Pilot Me - Josh Garrells
• Rewrite - Paul Simon
• Windmills - Toad the Wet Sprocket
• Cast Away Stones - Jeremy Casella
• The Kids Don't Stand a Chance - Vampire Weekend
• Diamonds On the Soles of Her Shoes - Paul Simon
• Brother - Lord Huron
• Farther Along - Josh Garrells
• Time to Run - Lord Huron
• Crazy Life - Toad the Wet Sprocket

We played Volume 1 through the first 3 weeks of treatments.  We would start on a different number everyday to mix things up.  Volume 1 was intended to be more of a laid back, relaxing mix.

Volume 2 was meant to be more encouraging and motivating.  It has definitely helped pump me up sometimes.  I would occasionally find myself leaving treatments with a better attitude than when I had arrived.  I think God used Volume 2 in this way.

Treatment Tunes, Volume 2:

• I Will Overcome - Charlie Hall
• Rise - Shawn McDonald
• Train Station - The Gray Havens
• Thank You - Glen Phillips
• God Will Lift Up Your Head - Jars of Clay
• Oh Great God, Give Us Rest - David Crowder Band
• Valley Song - Jars of Clay
• My Hope is in You - Third Day
• Music From a Garden - The Gray Havens
• Put Your Arms Around Me - The Hawk in Paris
• SMS (Shine) - David Crowder Band
• Jesus Paid it All - Kristian Stanfill
• Crazy Love - Robbie Seay Band
• Standing in Your Silence - Bebo Norman
• Cast Away Stones - Jeremy Casella (yes, again...I love this song)

If you have not heard any of these songs, I encourage you to check them out.  And...make more soundtracks in your life.

They Call Me Captain Optimist.

Willis.  Bubba.  Bill Grande.  Apple "Streu"del.  Chuck.  Cupcake.  Bilbo.  Billubbaluva.  Just a few of the many nicknames I have been blessed with over the years.  But, truth is that one of my favorites has always been Captain Optimist.

I like being an optimist.  I like to accentuate the positive.  I like to always find something to smile about.  And why not?

Now, I know that there is sometimes a fine line between being real and putting a mask on.  I understand the danger of faking it and just slapping a smile on your face so you don't have to show people what is really going on.  I won't pretend that this has been an easy experience, but I am a firm believer that, in Christ, we ALWAYS have something to look forward to.  

This past Sunday, I had a lot of people ask how I was feeling.  Truth is that I don't know the best way to answer that question.  I think this is because of my optimism.  The deal is that I'm not doing great, but I know that any suffering I am experiencing could be much worse. 

One of my friends asked how I was feeling and I replied, "Ummm...I'm alright."  He said, "You know, Billy, you don't always have to be positive."  Was he wrong in saying this?  Absolutely not.  But, I started to really think about it and realized that this is just who I am.  I thank God for this blessing.  Perhaps living in Bosnia-Herzegovina has even aided in enhancing this within me.  I believe that I have seen what terrible suffering could possibly be, and I know God has led me to encourage them to put their hope in Christ and not despair.  So, I hope that when I "accentuate the positive," it is my striving to bank my hope in the One who has given me something to ALWAYS look forward to.

Romans 8 shows us that our present sufferings are basically birth pangs on the road to future glory.  I want to live that out in my life and view whatever may come through that lens. 

Just call me Captain Optimist.

I Didn't Know a Rash Could Get There

Now, I have to take a moment to give thanks to God.  My mouth sores got pretty bad again last week, and almost everyone told me to get prepared for them to get worse.  Well, last time my mouth sores got really bad, they actually got better.  I held out hope that this would happen again and asked many to pray for this.  GOD DEFINITELY ANSWERED PRAYERS!!!  While the sores are very uncomfortable, they have not gotten worse.  Praise the Lord!!!

However, my rash has gotten worse...

But I can't complain too much because I have been told that a rash all over your face and chest is the main side effect of the chemo I am taking and that it can get REALLY bad.  My rash has stayed mostly to around my mouth and has not shown up too bad until the last week and a half of my therapy.  But, then, I found out today that the rash has found a new home...

MY EAR CANALS!  Isn't that crazy?  Fortunately, the pain went away with the ear infection I did get.  But, it is not fun to have an itch in a place you can't scratch.  Don't feel bad for me, though, because it doesn't itch too much.

Lastly, I want to brag on my wife again, even though I am going to get in trouble.  That is why I am tucking it here after my rash dialogue (maybe she won't see it).  I found this on our bathroom mirror 2 days ago...

She changes the countdown while I am gone for treatment everyday.  She's a keeper, for sure.  I love you, Jess.  Thanks for being such a great encourager and coach through this.

Wanna see?

So, I have had some people ask what things look like in radiation treatments, and I wondered if there has been a few more that have tried to picture it as well.  Therefore, I got one of the radiation therapists to snap some photos for you...

This is the immobilization mask that I wrote about in a previous post.  You can imagine how someone who is claustrophobic would not do well with this.  This is why I decided to just buzz my hair.  This mask gives some wicked "hat-hair."

There is a hole cut out for the mouth for a test that they ran a couple of weeks ago.  However, I am smiling.  The radiation therapist told me to, but I did not think you would be able to notice.

Take note of the CD player that is sitting above the radioactive warning sign in the background.  I have had two "Treatment Tunes" playlists that have been the soundtrack of my journey.

Now, you see the massive machine.  The radiation emits from the round part above my head.  The entire machine rotates.  Therefore, the round part starts near the floor on the right side of my head and ends near the floor on the left side of my head (almost 360 degrees).

One Day at a Time

Let me tell you another fun story (although many of you may have already heard it).  It was our wedding day.  We had just exited the sanctuary after being introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Streu, and we had just a few solitary seconds with each other.  We gave each another kiss and then took our rings off to look at the inscriptions.  What did we find?  We found that we had both had the same thing inscribed in each ring.  This was not planned and incidental in our eyes, completely intentional in God's.  "What is the inscription," you ask.  One Day at a Time - Philippians 4:6-7 (abbreviated of course...quite a bit on Jess'...she has a small finger).

This phrase, "One Day at a Time," has been something that we have taken turns reminding each other throughout our whole relationship with each other...even way before the proposal.  For example, we have to make a really tough decision in a short amount of time and we don't know what to do and we try to freak out.  Then, one of us remembers and says, "One day at a time," and the other takes a deep breath and says, "Oh yeah...you're right."

Well, this brings me to yet another reason I need to thank my beautiful bride.  It has certainly been her turn to remember these past few weeks.  Time for another illustration:

Me:  "Yea...I'm halfway through treatments.  But wait, that means I still have 3 weeks left."
Jess:   "Billy...you can't look at it that way.  Just keep going one day at a time."
Me:  (deep breath) "Yeah...you're right."

It is amazing how just those 4 words can bring so much peace for us.  I even wrote a song for Jess about it a few years ago during a time that we really needed to live it out.  The Bible teaches us that we must learn from yesterday and not worry about tomorrow.  That leaves us to make today count.  Probably a lesson that we have heard many times, but probably forget even more often.

I will add that I was the one remembering when we only had a week to wrap things up in Bosnia to get back to America.  I think Jess and I make a great team. 

Born to Run

That's right...again, if you were wondering, that was an intentional Bruce Springsteen reference.  Now, let's begin with a story...

I used to hate running with a passion.  In elementary school, I can remember the horrible moment in P.E. class when we had to go and run laps around the field.  Short bursts of running when needed in a game or when in a hurry were okay.  But, running for pleasure...NONSENSE!  In college, I can remember numerous attempts to lose weight, but any method other than running would be used.  Then, I met Jess.

Running has been a passion for Jess for a long time.  By the time I moved to Austin after I graduated from college, our relationship had grown enough for me to begin thinking about the possibility of marriage with her.  I began to think of things we had in common, and things that we could have in common.  All of a sudden, I found running at the top of that list.  So, I decided to take on this challenge.  Was Austin and its insane humidity a crazy place to begin a venture like this?  Yes...but love will lead you to do crazy things.

Long story made shorter...I now love to run and this has been something that Jess and I have certainly been able to share in our relationship.  But, what does this have to do with my current journey?  Perseverance and the confidence to be strong.

Running has played a major role in my therapy.  Before I began treatments, I was afraid that I would not be able to run or exercise.  Then, during my education session, I was being encouraged to exercise.  In fact, the nurse showed me a newspaper article of one of their patients that had continued training for a marathon while going through her therapy.  This lit a fire under me.

1 Corinthians 9:26-27 says, "Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air.  No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."  Now, I know that I am taking things a little bit out of context and Paul was using running as a metaphor, but this verse has encouraged me.  My body is going through a lot right now, and running has been a way to encourage it and feel normal.  In fact, most of the time it serves as a pain reliever (at least while I am running).  So, I continue to push myself (while watching out for what may be too much) and I believe that it has made a huge difference in how I have coped with my therapy physically and mentally.

This brings me to two reasons I need to take a moment and thank my wife.  First, I would not have ever known that I would like to run if I did not find a reason in her to suffer through those first few months (yes...months).  Next, she has been encouraging me to not stop.  Just last night, I had been feeling pretty fatigued and said that I didn't know if I could exercise the next day.  Jess said, "Just do what you can, but do something.  Don't stop.  You know how good it has been for you."  It's great to have a loving coach.

Above all else, I have to thank the Lord for giving me my beautiful bride and for encouraging me far more than running ever will.  He is the one who sustains me.

Let the Real Countdown Begin...

Okay...it's official this time.  We are officially two-thirds through radiation therapy.  I have 10 treatments left!  And, here is the deal.  This now correlates with my chemotherapy.  I am also two-thirds through the chemo.  Therefore, 10 radiation and 2 chemo treatments to go.  I say, "Bring it on!"

April 1st will be the final day for both.  Believe me that someone might get kicked in the teeth if any April Fools' jokes make an appearance at the cancer center that day.  Although, I tend to be a good sport, so I would probably just laugh (and I have never been known to kick anyone in the teeth).

Things have definitely gotten tougher...mouth sores have gotten pretty bad, fatigue has set in, and I have somehow picked up an ear infection.  However, God continues to be very good to me.  I definitely need my rest, but I still have the will to continue to exercise and eat.  Please pray for perseverance and for God to continue to be glorified through this season in a big way.

Rewind...

So, I have a correction to make.  I just found out today that the radiation oncologist had planned on a "boost of 3."  Therefore, I asked, "What is that?"  "Well, that means that you will have three more treatments at the end.  Sorry...but we thought that it would be better to tell you this now than at the end of the 6 weeks."  God has sustained me amazingly so far, so three more treatments is nothing.  However, this means that we need to rewind a bit and we will restart the countdown in a couple of days.  So, I have 12 left.

The Final Countdown...

Yes, that's right...that was an intentional Europe reference (for those that were wondering).  I have some great news today.  The countdown begins for the rest of my radiation treatments...I HAVE ONLY 10 LEFT!!!  Praise the Lord!

I will not pretend and say that it has been easy, but God has certainly taken care of me through this whole journey.  My body has felt well enough to be able to continue to exercise and not be too tired.  I had heard many more horror stories that I have definitely not had to experience.  I am extremely grateful to God for his provision and care.  He has certainly sustained me through this whole thing.

Oh, and by the way...I am also halfway through the chemo.  I only have three Mondays left.

Food Network Torture

Okay, I have probably lost more weight than I am supposed to, but I feel that I have been doing a pretty good job of eating.  While it has been difficult to eat stuff because of the sore throat and then the mouth sores, I have still been able to make myself eat malt-o-meal, soups, scrambled eggs, and lots of Ensure shakes.  Much of this is thanks to God that I have not hardly suffered from any nausea.  I still find myself hungry, with an appetite.  The problem is that my appetite is for all the things I cannot eat.  That is where Food Network comes in.

Jess keeps trying to tell me to quit watching the Food Network, but I get hungry and can't stop myself.  Guy Fieri just keeps showing me all these places I want to go try.  Bobby Flay keeps putting flavors together that makes my mouth water (not literally, or course, because the mouth is pretty dry right now).  But, I know that if I try anything that I want, it just won't be worth it.  However, a man can only do so much soup.

So, we borrowed a blender from my parents.  Hopefully, we can mix things up a bit (pun totally intended).  My wife just rocks my socks off sometimes.  Today she had the great idea of using the Ensure shakes as the base for fruit smoothies.  For lunch, I had a Milk Chocolate Ensure shake with banana, milk, peanut butter, and honey.  It was definitely a welcome change.  I can't wait to try something with a Vanilla Ensure.

If anyone out there has some good smoothie recipes, let me know.  My mouth does not do well with citrus or anything acidic, so keep it mild and fairly bland.

Cause for Celebration...

I am officially halfway through the radiation treatments!!!  Short one today, but worthy of a posting.

B to the 4th Power...

Billy...Blessed Beyond Belief!

Okay, I know that was kind of cheesy, but it helped me have a title that hopefully snagged you.  But, the statement is certainly true.

Truth is that things are getting tougher, but not too bad.  My body, overall, has been taking things pretty well.  I am only tired occasionally and I am still running between 2 and 3 miles every other day.  However, my mouth is another story.  There have been a number of sores that have sprung up on my tongue, inside my cheeks and lips, and at the entrance of my throat.  It is definitely making eating not fun at all and they have started waking me up at night.  But, today, as I was receiving another radiation treatment, I began to consider my blessings...and it made all the difference.  I just lied there and thought about much of what God has given me, and I found my thoughts focusing on one of the biggest blessings of all...my wife.

The true purpose of this post is to share how thankful I am for my wonderful wife.  I cannot imagine a better partner, best friend, supporter, encourager, and helper.  She would tell you that none of it is true, but don't listen to her.  I can't believe how much she has had to sacrifice through all of this, and she would not even act as though sacrifices were made.  She has suffered with me and rejoiced with me.  She considers it a welcome challenge to discover what recipes she can make that would be easy for me to eat.  She is often preparing three different meals (for me, herself, and Anabell).  I don't know how many diapers I have NOT changed, and she has with love.  I have an amazing wife.

Thank you, Jessica, for loving me so well.  I am blessed to be able to spend the rest of my life with you.  I love you like whoa.

Why Me?

Why me?  A question that probably all of us have asked at at least once in our lives.  A question for which we have to accept the fact that we might not find an answer.  A question that is often not the right question to ask, but we sometimes just can't help ourselves.  I am guilty of asking this question through this journey.  However, it might not be in the context you think.

Honestly, I have not struggled much with wondering why God allowed me to get cancer.  He has given me a "peace that transcends all understanding."  His ways are higher than ours, and sometimes we just don't understand why some may experience some horrible situation and others do not.  Then, we begin to find ourselves spiraling downward into thinking that someone did not deserve it.  Does anyone honestly deserve to get cancer, have their house burn down, or lose a child?  We just can't explain sometimes why some things happen.  God has given me peace in this.  My "why me" is different, but can also find itself in the same downward spiral.

We have been overwhelmed by the way we have been loved through this whole thing.  Our family has been their through every step.  Our friends have prayed ceaselessly.  Our church family has provided so much for us...a place to live, groceries, help for medical bills, a car to get around in, and more.  We have seen God's provision and love for us through all of them.  We have not taken if for granted and are extremely grateful.  But, at times, I sometimes cannot help myself from asking, "Why me?"

I have experienced suffering in a whole new way through our time in Bosnia-Herzegovina.  I am not talking about my own personal suffering, but about the suffering we see happening in the lives of the people we encounter every day.  When I found out that I had cancer and had surgery, the Bosnians did all they could for us.  They loved us well.  The truth is that I would not even begin to compare any suffering I have experienced to theirs.  So, why do I get to have so many material blessings when so many others who are hurting worse do not?

Do you see the downward spiral here?  The truth is that I do not deserve any of what I have received.  I am a sinner just like everyone else.  But, God has shown me his grace in incredible ways.  Hear me say that God has given me peace to receive thankfully what has been given to us.  Yet, I have learned something from the times that I ask, "Why me?"  I can either take the downward spiral and feel guilty about the love of God we have received, or I can let it move me to action in my life.  As I receive God's blessings, may I never stop looking for ways to love others and may I never forget the people God has led me to encounter.  No one deserves grace, but God gives it freely and we can all be a part of him giving it to others.

I am thankful for all of you that have loved us so well.  We have certainly seen the grace of God in huge ways through your generosity and love.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

From "Sharpie Sniffer" to "Pioneer"

Isn't it funny how so much can result from a tiny joke?  Sometimes it is good...sometimes bad.  It's really good when that tiny joke may just become the catalyst to pioneering a new idea for an industry.  I think that I might have stumbled upon just that kind of joke.  It all began with the mark of a Sharpie...

I go in for radiation every day, Monday through Friday.  Three of those days each week, the therapists take an X-ray to make sure everything is still lined up exactly the way it needs to be.  Then, if there are adjustments to be made, a therapist will come in, with Sharpie in hand, and put little marks on my mask. 

Well, the first time they performed one of the X-rays on me, they ended up putting a mark directly under my nostrils.  Please hear me out...I do NOT like to sniff Sharpies, but I do like joke around.  So, as the therapists were walking out, I mumbled through my mask, "Mmmm...this Sharpie smells good" (think Brian Regan voice...I don't sound like him, but it adds so much to the story).  They laughed.  Success.

However, that has now become the recurring joke with the therapists.  I started to think that "Sharpie Sniffer" might not be the legacy I want to leave.  That is when I started to tell them that I am going to give them all scented markers (sans Black Licorice...that's just gross).

Last night, I was telling a friend of mine this story.  He is currently going through clinicals to become a radiation therapist.  Do you know what I found out?  Not only do they use Sharpies at every place he has been to, a Sharpie is on the list of school supplies every student is required to have.  He told me that I just might be on track to "revamping the radiation therapy industry after your 1st treatment!"  Today, I told my therapists that I want credit when this happens, and that they now need to call me, "Pioneer."

(Disclaimer:  This is merely taking a tiny joke and making it bigger.  I, in no way, expect for the future generation to see my name in the history books of radiation therapy technology.  But, I still do not think it is a bad idea...at least for head-and-neck treatments,)

An Itch and A Miracle

A part of the radiation process is to get fitted with an immobilization mask.  It is not a fun thing for anyone that is claustrophobic, but for me it is not too bad.  Well, not until a couple of days ago.  First, let me show you a picture to give you an idea (it is not exact, but close enough)...



Back to a couple of days ago.  I went in for my treatment and they clamped me down to the table in the mask.  They started the CD I made to provide my Treatment Tunes, but this time I had them start it at track 12.  I had forgotten that there were only 13 tracks on the CD.  Shortly after they started the treatment, I got one of those annoying itches on my nasal septum...you know, that little piece of skin in between the nostrils.  Then, track 13 ended and I was without distractions.

So there I was, snapped down to a table with an awful itch under the mask while having to keep the rest of my body still.  But, I was victorious!  For close to 15 minutes I restrained any part of myself from moving for the greater good of my body.  Believe it or not, it encouraged me a little bit that I can encourage my body to do this thing (I know...all this from an itch).

After the mask came off and relief for the itch arrived, I asked the technician again how still I need to be during the treatment (just to double-check).  She said, in relation to the itch I told her about, "Very still...we wouldn't want to radiate your hand."  I agree.

As for the miracle, Lubbock, TX actually got the blizzard the weather men predicted.  I got a phone call from the Cancer Center that they were closed and my appointments were cancelled today.  So, we will start the concurrent therapy tomorrow.  Just in case you don't know much about Lubbock, the miracle was that it snowed, not that my therapy is being delayed.  To tell you the truth, though, I really just added this paragraph because it made the post title more catchy.

It Feels So Good

So let's talk about how good it feels when God encourages you.  I mean really encourage you in a very specific way through a very specific trial.  He is big and He is King, He is Creator and He is God, but He is not beyond a specific encouragement for a specific child of His.  This is what happened for me this morning at church.

This morning, my time in worship filled me up in a profound way.  I found rest and release, comfort and courage, peace and perseverance.  It was one of those times that felt like every song was picked specifically for me (sure, this isn't true, but it sure felt like it).  Let me share and explain a few lines that spoke to me...

1. "I don't have to be afraid because I know You love me."  This encounter with God could not have come at a better time.  I will begin a concurrent therapy tomorrow that will possibly be very similar to chemo.  God is sustaining me, but I can't deny that there has been some fear.  This line spoke loud to me and carried me into the next lines.
2. "You make all things work together for my good."  I believe in Romans 8.  This trial will be worth every moment as God will be made more famous in my life (even if I'm the only one who sees it).
3. "Let what's dead come to life!"  Okay, I believe in God's healing, but I have often not been the first to pray for it in faith and expect it immediately.  Well, today, when I sang this line, it spoke to me differently than I would have ever expected.  I got this picture of the healthy cells that have been killed by the radiation coming quickly back to life.  It was a line of healing for me.
4. "I need You, oh I need You."  My only response was to physically reach as high as I could asking God to be my courage, my confidence, and my strength.

Also, as I sang that last line, I found myself crying, and it certainly was not out of sadness.  I think it was just a physical way of "letting go."  The thing is that I don't cry much.  It is not because I am afraid to, or that I feel like "real men don't cry."  I just don't.  If I do, it is always at the weirdest times when I least expect it (like when the farmer in movie Babe looks down and says, "That'll do, pig.  That'll do."  I know, right?).  Therefore, I have quite understood what people would mean by saying that "crying can be cleansing."  After the song ended, I passed a note to my wife that said, "I think I understand more how crying can be cleansing."  It just felt so good.

While the enemy may try to help me fear about tomorrow, I know that my God loves me, that He is at work for my good, and that He is healing me even as I type this post.  Oh, how I need Him.

God On the Move

As I have shared in an earlier post, I have hoped that God will glorify Himself through every part of this journey.  Well, I can definitely say that I have seen God on the move in many ways already.  Let's talk about several stories...

1. Before we left Bosnia-Herzegovina, God gave me the opportunity to share with many what He has been teaching me about how to "consider it pure joy" as we go through tough times.
2. My sister that lives in Portland, OR, has had opportunities to share the Gospel there as people have asked her questions about me and my situation.
3. The other day, I went to Super Cuts (or Pro Cuts...can't remember) to get a hair cut.  I had forgotten to remove my wristband that I have to get every time I go in to the cancer center.  This sparked her interest and she began to ask a lot of questions.  I was able to share with her the things that God has been teaching me.

 This definitely makes it all worth it and helps me be even more thankful for the privilege God has given me to try and make more of Him.  Please pray that I continue to be intentional in every relationship and encounter I have to make God known.  I know that days may come that I just don't feel like it, and I want to have the fervor to persevere.

Even more, I want to keep this zeal no matter what my situation is.  May God use my current journey to help me want to make more of Him always.

Why wait?

Well, today was probably the hardest that I have had through this journey so far...at least mentally and emotionally.  It has been a common occurrence to have to make an extremely important decision within a short amount of time.  For example, being given two days to decide if we would stay in Croatia to have a piece of my tongue cut out and my neck cut open.  And while God has constantly been leading us and taking care of us, it is difficult to not feel the pressure when another tough decision has to be made on a time crunch.  Well, today was one of these kinds of situations, but this time the enemy saw my guard down.  But, again, God was victorious.  To explain, let's go back in time for a little bit...

Through our time in Bosnia-Herzegovina, God has taught us many things.  Some of these things have been the beginning of a process of practice.  We have been blessed to learn a lot about listening to the Holy Spirit from our team leader in Bihac.  She is a person who is very intentional about seeking the Spirit's guidance in everything.  More specifically, asking for the Spirit's guidance in a specific situation and expecting that He will speak right then.  Let me give an example. 

You are approached by a friend that has a desperate need that needs to be met immediately.  However, you have already given to this friend numerous times and you have seen some instances where they are not learning how to help themselves.  So, you immediately ask the Spirit what to do and listen.  This is something I am not always intentional about.  My experience has been more to ask the Spirit for guidance for something way in advance and expect to wait for awhile.  I have not always had the faith that the Spirit would answer me immediately.  In fact, I haven't known how to listen.

Jess and I have been working on practicing this in our lives over the past couple of years.  I can certainly see how God has used it through this journey.  So, let's go back to today...

I asked God to help me be able to hear the Spirit.  While I still don't always listen well, God has grown my faith that the Spirit will speak to me.  The Bible speaks much about waiting in the Lord, but I think that we sometimes only focus on the waiting and forget how to expect in faith.  I think God gave me the faith to do this today, and I know I heard the Spirit speak to me what to do.  Within a couple of hours, I moved from a place of deep fear about the future to a "peace that transcends all understanding."

Ask the Spirit and expect him to speak, maybe even immediately.  He is right next to you, so listen.

Considering Pure Joy...

Well, I guess that I should explain something about the title of this blog site.  So, let me tell you a story and probably the biggest thing I have been learning through this journey so far...

It was probably two days after I had gotten out of the hospital after my surgery.  I woke up that morning and had this feeling (which I believe was the Lord speaking to me) that I needed to start reading James in the Bible.  It did not take long before I discovered why I had this feeling.  James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  I had read this verse many times before all of this, but this reading was different. 

This time it seemed so much more relevant and confusing at the same time.  First, who likes to face trials, and so how can you "consider it pure joy?"  Now, it may be focusing on completion through perseverance, but that comes in the future.  I get the sense that James is telling us to "consider it pure joy" right now.  So, I had to ask, "Lord, I have read by this so many times, but now I ask how I am to live this verse out?"  Then, I believe He began to show me...

Something began to make sense to me.  It seems that it is often through our hardest moments in life that we experience 2 things (however, this list is certainly not exhaustive):

1. We possibly see God glorified in our lives in a bigger way than we saw before.
2. We possibly find ourselves drawn closer to God than we found before.

Therefore, it dawned on me that when we travel through the hardest moments and toughest trials in our lives, we have an opportunity before us...and we can take it or leave it.  It is the opportunity to glorify God and draw closer to Him than we had before.  So, if we have chosen and God has chosen us to live fully for Him, what more could we honestly want.  Isn't glorifying God and drawing closer to Him (i.e. enjoying Him) enough?  Couldn't it be possible to "consider it pure joy" that we had been given that opportunity?

To take it a little deeper, I can remember hearing a pastor who had been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer call his cancer a "privilege" given by God.  This made no sense to me when I heard it.  How could you consider cancer a "privilege?"  Well, I have been able to make more sense of this now as I have experienced probably the hardest trial I have yet faced.  There are few greater privileges and blessings than to be given a greater opportunity to glorify God and enjoy Him more.

Now, please allow me to preach a little bit and offer a challenge.  The verse does not say to consider it pure joy when you get cancer, but when you face "trials of many kinds."  This means that almost all of us can find this greater opportunity in our lives right now.  You are probably going through something tough as you read this, whether it is big or small.  No matter the trial, you have an opportunity before you.  Will you choose to find a way through your trial to glorify God and enjoy Him more?  Or will you miss the opportunity?

I choose to see my Lord glorified through this mess and hopefully enjoy Him more than I ever have before!  I think that "pure joy" can certainly be found in that as He teaches me perseverance and makes me more complete.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Accentuate the Positive

Let me give a very brief overview for those that don't know...I got a squamous cell carcinoma on my tongue, had the tumor removed from tongue and lymph nodes from my neck in Zagreb, Croatia, and have returned to Texas for further treatments.  I have radiation treatments yesterday at Southwest Cancer Center.

So, why this blog?  I was told that it was a good idea to journal my experience through this journey.  Why not share it with others?  Well, at least the less personal things along with experiences and lessons learned that I want to share.  With a situation that can be so easily seen as negative, I will start with accentuating the positive.  The list begins and will continue as more positive comes...

1. We will be able to save money on shampoo.  Anabell and I now use the same stuff because it was recommended by one of the nurses.
2. I lost possibly 20 pounds.
3. Over the past 3 weeks I have been able to enjoy almost anything I want to eat without feeling guilty.  It has been nice.  (I think I gained about 15 pounds back.)
4. We are blessed with probably the best church family in the world.  They have taken great care of us.
5. We have been able to enjoy unexpected time with our family, friends, and church in Texas.
6. Jess let me get a buzz cut again because it makes life so much easier right now
7. I have already seen God use this situation for His glory.  He let me teach the Bosnians a lot of what He has taught me so far through all of this (which I will share in another post soon).
8. Anabell gets to spend her 1 year birthday with family (including her new cousin on Jess' side that we have not met yet).
9. God has blessed us with some great health insurance that will save us A LOT!!!
10. We made it to America in time for Girl Scout Cookie season.