Wow...it has been awhile since I have posted here. I decided tonight that I wanted to start finding ways to volunteer with the American Cancer Society. The first thing I have done is to send them my story. While not complete, I thought I would go ahead and post it here. It brings things to the present. I kept it pretty general as to faith, but I am hoping that it might be chosen for me to share it to a bigger audience.
I was 31 years old serving as a Christian missionary in Eastern Europe when I found out that the "ulcer" on my tongue was, in fact, a carcinoma. With no time to waste, my wife, 10 month old, and I travelled to Zagreb, Croatia the day after Christmas to check me in for tumor removal and invasive neck surgery to also have 7 lymph nodes removed (cancer found in one with thankfully no spread). While my wife and daughter bounced around a hotel and 2 other homes (thanks to other expatriates), I spent 10 days in the hospital trying my best to communicate with the nurses caring for me. After I checked out of the hospital, we decided that it would be best for our family for me to receive treatments back in Texas. We had a little over a week to work things out with our jobs and apartment in Europe, pack all we needed, and get back to Texas to get treatments started as soon as possible.
We knew we were loved, but the support we received from family and friends was beyond overwhelming (hyperbole is appropriate in this case). We arrived in Texas with an apartment already furnished and paid for the whole time we needed it, groceries in the refrigerator and pantry, and everything ready for us to just go straight to bed as soon as we got in the door. We were covered with prayers and love literally from all over the world.
I received 6 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy. There are three things I would note from this experience:
1. During my treatment education time, my educator shared a story with me about a woman who continued training for a marathon all the way through her cancer treatments. This spoke loudly to me and gave me the drive to continue running through the entirety of my treatments. I ran almost every other day and was still running almost 2 miles each run as I reached my last day. This helped me find hope and keep life feeling as normal as possible. To tell the truth, through weight that I lost and strength I gained back, I am running more and feeling better than I ever have in my life. I am scheduled to run my first half marathon as a St. Jude's Hero in October! I would have never dreamed this even possible 10 years ago.
2. My chemotherapy was actually from a drug known as a radio-sensitizer that helped enhance the effectiveness of the radiation. It wasn't until the day before I had to give my answer about moving forward with this treatment that the drug could cause sterility. This really scared me and broke my heart of the possibility that I could not have another child of my own. Not knowing what to do, a friend asked me if I would rather have the possibility of having another child or seeing the daughter I already had walk down the aisle at her wedding. This decision was made and I started the treatments several days later. As of today, I am writing this story in the same room as my son who is the same age as my daughter was when we found out I had cancer. His middle name is Josiah, which means "God heals." We like to call him our miracle baby. I am blessed.
3. After my surgery, I read one day about considering it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds. This was a very hard thing to grasp and comprehend, but as I think about learning that I had cancer, having surgery and a 10-day hospital stay in a foreign country, and 6 weeks of cancer treatments, I can see many things find joy in. I am stronger. I am a better man. My character has grown and I have changed. I have a story to tell (well, many to tell). I see life with a new pair of eyes on the other side of the trial and can look back to see the lessons learned, the love shown, and the life given. I am healed. I am a survivor. I have persevered. I am loved. Being surrounded by the support I had from my wife, my family, my friends, my God, I know I can face anything ahead of me.
And now, as new trials come, I can consider it pure joy that they will grow me, they will give me story to share with others who need to be loved and encouraged, and they will be overcome.
I am blessed.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Thursday, December 19, 2013
The "Year Ago Today"s
The "Year Ago Today"s have officially begun. For example, yesterday I thought, "it was a year ago today that I was in Zagreb being told that I might have cancer. Tomorrow, I can say, "it was a year ago today that I found out I had cancer." Technically, there have been some other examples like this through October and November, but yesterday was the first one that made me really say, "wow...that's crazy."
It has been awhile since I have posted a blog, so why write about this all of a sudden? Because I want to learn from my "Year Ago Today"s. How often do we make these statements through life as we remember some major event? I would say pretty often. The "Year Ago Today"s are like the altars we see the Israelites build so often in the Old Testament. In my opinion, we should make the most of them...not to find ourselves living in the past, but to see ourselves moving forward in joy and faith. For the good moments, we can rejoice and find joy in what God has given us. However, can we not do the same with the difficult moments in life? I say that we can.
So, here is what I want my "Year Ago Today" moment to sound like tomorrow: "Wow! A year ago today I began to REALLY learn what it means to consider it pure joy as I face trials of any kind. A year ago today I began to see God change my life in ways I never expected. I praise my God for this year ago today!"
It has been awhile since I have posted a blog, so why write about this all of a sudden? Because I want to learn from my "Year Ago Today"s. How often do we make these statements through life as we remember some major event? I would say pretty often. The "Year Ago Today"s are like the altars we see the Israelites build so often in the Old Testament. In my opinion, we should make the most of them...not to find ourselves living in the past, but to see ourselves moving forward in joy and faith. For the good moments, we can rejoice and find joy in what God has given us. However, can we not do the same with the difficult moments in life? I say that we can.
So, here is what I want my "Year Ago Today" moment to sound like tomorrow: "Wow! A year ago today I began to REALLY learn what it means to consider it pure joy as I face trials of any kind. A year ago today I began to see God change my life in ways I never expected. I praise my God for this year ago today!"
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Refining Feels So Good...Afterwards
"And I will put this third into the fire,
and refine them as one refines silver,
and test them as gold is tested.
They will call upon my name,
and I will answer them.
I will say, ‘They are my people’;
and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.'"
-Zechariah 13:9 (ESV)
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
-Romans 5:3-5
It has been awhile since I have posted again, but it is definitely time to share a little more about my journey. As for my physical body, God has been good to me. However, I still find myself having trouble with eating sometimes and still lacking energy some days as I am trying to get back in the swing of "normal" life again. So, while I can share many praises about physical healing and recovery, it is the spiritual healing and refining that now feels so good.
I am going to open up a little bit and get a little raw here. I think I have to in order to be able to effectively share the blessing of God's refining me in his fire. And while it has hurt through the journey, it feels so good right now. So, here goes...
First, one of my biggest weaknesses in life has been confidence in myself. This weakness has taken a few different forms throughout my life. For example, I have lost number of the amount of times I have compared myself to other people. As a missionary, I have compared myself to numerous people here. As a youth director, I compared myself to past youth directors I worked for. And the list goes on...as a student, camp counselor, worship leader, musician, husband, father, follower of Christ.
Next, I am a harmonizer. It is very rare for me to ever take sides. Exceptions include when it comes to maintaining Biblical truth or the occurrence of flat-out evil. Now, God has created me this way and it is one of my strengths. However, this character trait can turn into people-pleasing. Over the past couple of years, the enemy has really been able to use this in ways that has caused me to think very low of myself at times...to the point where emotional healing became necessary. Please allow me to spare you the details. Just know that God had some work to do on me.
Whew...that was some heavy stuff. The optimist in me is itching to get to the good news. So, I will. God has used this medical journey through cancer, operation, treatments, and recovery to work on areas in me way beyond the physical body. I can sit here today and say that I am a different person. God has taught me to truly believe that he "will be my confidence" (Psalm 3:32). My heart is going through healing that is drawing me so much closer to God. I have learned the importance and wisdom of creating healthy boundaries in my life (with work, relationships, ministry, family, etc). I have known joy in a new way. I have a deep hunger for God's Word that is refreshing. I have been more refined, and it feels so good.
Praise be to our glorious God!
and refine them as one refines silver,
and test them as gold is tested.
They will call upon my name,
and I will answer them.
I will say, ‘They are my people’;
and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.'"
-Zechariah 13:9 (ESV)
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
-Romans 5:3-5
It has been awhile since I have posted again, but it is definitely time to share a little more about my journey. As for my physical body, God has been good to me. However, I still find myself having trouble with eating sometimes and still lacking energy some days as I am trying to get back in the swing of "normal" life again. So, while I can share many praises about physical healing and recovery, it is the spiritual healing and refining that now feels so good.
I am going to open up a little bit and get a little raw here. I think I have to in order to be able to effectively share the blessing of God's refining me in his fire. And while it has hurt through the journey, it feels so good right now. So, here goes...
First, one of my biggest weaknesses in life has been confidence in myself. This weakness has taken a few different forms throughout my life. For example, I have lost number of the amount of times I have compared myself to other people. As a missionary, I have compared myself to numerous people here. As a youth director, I compared myself to past youth directors I worked for. And the list goes on...as a student, camp counselor, worship leader, musician, husband, father, follower of Christ.
Next, I am a harmonizer. It is very rare for me to ever take sides. Exceptions include when it comes to maintaining Biblical truth or the occurrence of flat-out evil. Now, God has created me this way and it is one of my strengths. However, this character trait can turn into people-pleasing. Over the past couple of years, the enemy has really been able to use this in ways that has caused me to think very low of myself at times...to the point where emotional healing became necessary. Please allow me to spare you the details. Just know that God had some work to do on me.
Whew...that was some heavy stuff. The optimist in me is itching to get to the good news. So, I will. God has used this medical journey through cancer, operation, treatments, and recovery to work on areas in me way beyond the physical body. I can sit here today and say that I am a different person. God has taught me to truly believe that he "will be my confidence" (Psalm 3:32). My heart is going through healing that is drawing me so much closer to God. I have learned the importance and wisdom of creating healthy boundaries in my life (with work, relationships, ministry, family, etc). I have known joy in a new way. I have a deep hunger for God's Word that is refreshing. I have been more refined, and it feels so good.
Praise be to our glorious God!
Monday, June 17, 2013
I ain't 'fraid of no ghost!
So, I need to be going to bed right now (it's 12:30am here), but I had an epiphany I needed to get it out. Let me preface by saying that the title is a gimmick to try to snag the reader (yeah, that's you...did it work?). I will not be sharing any stories about literal ghosts. However, if I feel the urge, I just might use "ghost" as a metaphorical reference. Really, my theme is about fear and I could not resist the Ghostbusters plug.
I must confess that there have been a few things that I have been anxious about regarding our return to Bosnia-Herzegovina. Now, I do not mean "anxious" in the inaccurate usage of the word. These were not things that I was excited about, but rather experienced anxiety over. The beautiful thing, though, is that God had already begun to do a healing work in me before we even set foot on the plane. He had begun to speak to me numerous times, "Do not be afraid." But, as of about 15 minutes ago, God absolutely expanded my horizons on overcoming these fears.
Today has been a day of remembering. Earlier, I was cleaning out our Gmail inbox and came across some old photos of our two weeks in Zagreb, Croatia while I was in the hospital after surgery. Following this, I began to remember different moments in our apartment around this same time as I looked around. This led to thinking about the 10 days we had to buy plane tickets for America and get everything packed that was going with us and everything settled that was going to stay. Finally, about 18 minutes ago, I arrived at pondering my time through cancer treatments.
Then it hit me like a slap in the face! All of these things that I have been fearful of suddenly looked very small in comparison. God delivered me through all of that stuff I thought about today. He gave me the strength and peace to agree to a major surgery in a country foreign to me. He sustained me through 10 days in a hospital in which communication was anything but easy (due to more than just differing languages). And He continued to be my Rock through all the rest of it. More than that, He has been with me doing these same things through situations over my lifetime.
So...my epiphany. If God has been my "help of ages past," then I have no "ghost" to fear in years to come. He will not stop what I have known of Him before. He is my Rock!
Good night.
I must confess that there have been a few things that I have been anxious about regarding our return to Bosnia-Herzegovina. Now, I do not mean "anxious" in the inaccurate usage of the word. These were not things that I was excited about, but rather experienced anxiety over. The beautiful thing, though, is that God had already begun to do a healing work in me before we even set foot on the plane. He had begun to speak to me numerous times, "Do not be afraid." But, as of about 15 minutes ago, God absolutely expanded my horizons on overcoming these fears.
Today has been a day of remembering. Earlier, I was cleaning out our Gmail inbox and came across some old photos of our two weeks in Zagreb, Croatia while I was in the hospital after surgery. Following this, I began to remember different moments in our apartment around this same time as I looked around. This led to thinking about the 10 days we had to buy plane tickets for America and get everything packed that was going with us and everything settled that was going to stay. Finally, about 18 minutes ago, I arrived at pondering my time through cancer treatments.
Then it hit me like a slap in the face! All of these things that I have been fearful of suddenly looked very small in comparison. God delivered me through all of that stuff I thought about today. He gave me the strength and peace to agree to a major surgery in a country foreign to me. He sustained me through 10 days in a hospital in which communication was anything but easy (due to more than just differing languages). And He continued to be my Rock through all the rest of it. More than that, He has been with me doing these same things through situations over my lifetime.
So...my epiphany. If God has been my "help of ages past," then I have no "ghost" to fear in years to come. He will not stop what I have known of Him before. He is my Rock!
Good night.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Pray for Selah...
Hey friends,
I want to ask you to pray for this 3-year-old girl, Selah. Lance (her father) was one of my college roommates for a couple of years. This family is very dear to us. They are currently missionaries in Rwanda. They have been in the process of moving, and a metal box accidentally fell on Selah's head. Due to this accident, she has been suffering from a fracture to the base of her skull (which is causing her brain to swell), spinal fluid leaking from her ear, and damage to one of her eye sockets. She is sedated and on ventilation. Due to the swelling of her brain, the next 24 hours are extremely critical.
I must confess that prayer has been a spiritual discipline that I have struggled with the most. I am one of those people that will tell someone, "I will pray for you," but then a couple of days later I realize I have forgotten. This situation has certainly drawn me to my knees. God hears our prayers and he answers. I know that he will heal Selah. Please pray without ceasing with me.
I got this picture in my head as I was praying this morning. I saw Jesus, the Lover of our souls, standing next to Selah with his hand resting on her head. He was saying, "I am here and I am not going anywhere. I love you." Praise our Father that we have a Great High Priest that knows our pain and sorrows.
If you would like to stay updated and get more details, here is a link to follow:
http://prayerwall.worldventure.com/lance-and-tiffany-ferguson/
Friday, May 24, 2013
Learning to Trust Again
It's time to get real. I am definitely what you all an external processor and things become so much clearer for me when I can get it out. Therefore, that is what I am going to do here. I will attempt to make my thoughts coherent, but please forgive if I ever slip into stream of consciousness. Also, please read all the way through to the end before you make any deductions about the situation or comments for me.
I was prepared for the cancer treatments. I had prayed much, been prayed for much, and had totally rallied myself to take it head on. God had taught me a lot about "considering it pure joy" and I was as ready as I would ever be. While the treatments were not easy, I felt that everything went well and I was incredibly thankful for how God provided. So, you can imagine how excited I was when the countdown arrived and we knocked the rest of those treatments out. What came next, though, most definitely blindsided me.
Now, let's fast forward to the present real quick. My last treatments were on April 1st (over 7 and a half weeks ago) and I still have a while to go to full recovery. I can honestly say that my optimism did not allow me to expect anything like this. To give you an idea, I had high hopes to eat Kerbey Lane pancakes during our trip to Austin the weekend after my treatments ended. Ir was not until May 11th until I had my pancakes (6 weeks post-treatment). The first 2 weeks after treatments were probably the hardest weeks of the whole experience (regarding pain and hopes being crushed). It took about 2-3 weeks for all of my rashes to clear up and about a month a half for the mouth sores to heal. I am finally being able to try foods that I have been hoping for, but my taste is far from fully returning.
Please understand me here...my goal is in no way to complain. I am merely confessing that I was utterly unprepared for my post-treatment experience. As I said before, I was definitely blindsided. I also share all of this because I am finally dealing with the effects this unpreparedness and post-treatment have had on me. The reason I am being so honest to share is because God is bringing things to light and teaching me to trust Him again. I did not know things had come to that, but they had. Allow me to share some of the major things that have come to light (and I'm putting myself out there). Keep in mind that things will get more positive and encouraging after the list is over.
1. That "first meal" was not what I imagined. When we got back to the States in January, I had recovered well enough after the surgery. So, when I finally bit into that Jumbo Joe's jumbo cheeseburger, it was wonderful. Someone asked me one day, "Was it really that good?" After eating and drinking everything through my nose for two weeks and then only having liquids for awhile...yes, it was that good. So, I naturally had similar expectations for that "first meal" after treatments were over. Once I could finally eat something solid again, it just didn't taste like I remembered. During treatments, I could tell you exactly what I couldn't wait for. Now, when people ask what I want or where I want to go, it's is very hard for me to pick because I still don't know what I might enjoy the most.
2. Things are not going to be the same as before. Don't get me wrong, I believe that God can fully restore my taste, feeling in my face and tongue, etc. However, I have had the realization that there is a chance that I will not taste the same as before. Also, I will be following up with doctors for at least the next 5 years (every 3 months with CT scans for the next 2 years, etc). Everyone knows that things change as you grow older, but it feels like someone stole the remote and pressed fast forward.
3. I have not been excited about going back to Bosnia. I do not doubt that this is what God wants from us right now, and obedience to him is the most important thing to me in this. However, a few things have made me fear this transition. For example, I definitely allowed myself to have the expectation that I would be fully recovered before we returned (especially after we changed our plane tickets allowing an additional month and a half). Also, after this whole situation, it just feels "safe" here. All of this has combined with some other fears I have been working to let go of.
Whew...enough of that. Now, I'm ready to share something encouraging. Truth is that encouraging things have been happening ever since treatments ended. The mouth sores have healed, I can eat again, I have much more energy, etc. However, much of this had become overshadowed by my unpreparedness for post-treatment.
Therefore, the most encouraging point is that God is teaching me how to trust him again. I can tell you with all of my heart that God is infinitely faithful. Oh, how he has cared for us and provided for us. And he is letting me know that he does not stop. Regarding my health, God is saying, "I love you, so trust me." Regarding Bosnia and my fears, God is saying, "I love you, so trust me." Regarding my tastebuds, God is saying, "Oh, taste and see that I am good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in me!" (Psalm 34:8).
So, what now? I am ready to stop banking my hope in recovery and "safety." I am ready to bank my hope in his faithfulness and his promises. He loves me and I know I can trust him.
I was prepared for the cancer treatments. I had prayed much, been prayed for much, and had totally rallied myself to take it head on. God had taught me a lot about "considering it pure joy" and I was as ready as I would ever be. While the treatments were not easy, I felt that everything went well and I was incredibly thankful for how God provided. So, you can imagine how excited I was when the countdown arrived and we knocked the rest of those treatments out. What came next, though, most definitely blindsided me.
Now, let's fast forward to the present real quick. My last treatments were on April 1st (over 7 and a half weeks ago) and I still have a while to go to full recovery. I can honestly say that my optimism did not allow me to expect anything like this. To give you an idea, I had high hopes to eat Kerbey Lane pancakes during our trip to Austin the weekend after my treatments ended. Ir was not until May 11th until I had my pancakes (6 weeks post-treatment). The first 2 weeks after treatments were probably the hardest weeks of the whole experience (regarding pain and hopes being crushed). It took about 2-3 weeks for all of my rashes to clear up and about a month a half for the mouth sores to heal. I am finally being able to try foods that I have been hoping for, but my taste is far from fully returning.
Please understand me here...my goal is in no way to complain. I am merely confessing that I was utterly unprepared for my post-treatment experience. As I said before, I was definitely blindsided. I also share all of this because I am finally dealing with the effects this unpreparedness and post-treatment have had on me. The reason I am being so honest to share is because God is bringing things to light and teaching me to trust Him again. I did not know things had come to that, but they had. Allow me to share some of the major things that have come to light (and I'm putting myself out there). Keep in mind that things will get more positive and encouraging after the list is over.
1. That "first meal" was not what I imagined. When we got back to the States in January, I had recovered well enough after the surgery. So, when I finally bit into that Jumbo Joe's jumbo cheeseburger, it was wonderful. Someone asked me one day, "Was it really that good?" After eating and drinking everything through my nose for two weeks and then only having liquids for awhile...yes, it was that good. So, I naturally had similar expectations for that "first meal" after treatments were over. Once I could finally eat something solid again, it just didn't taste like I remembered. During treatments, I could tell you exactly what I couldn't wait for. Now, when people ask what I want or where I want to go, it's is very hard for me to pick because I still don't know what I might enjoy the most.
2. Things are not going to be the same as before. Don't get me wrong, I believe that God can fully restore my taste, feeling in my face and tongue, etc. However, I have had the realization that there is a chance that I will not taste the same as before. Also, I will be following up with doctors for at least the next 5 years (every 3 months with CT scans for the next 2 years, etc). Everyone knows that things change as you grow older, but it feels like someone stole the remote and pressed fast forward.
3. I have not been excited about going back to Bosnia. I do not doubt that this is what God wants from us right now, and obedience to him is the most important thing to me in this. However, a few things have made me fear this transition. For example, I definitely allowed myself to have the expectation that I would be fully recovered before we returned (especially after we changed our plane tickets allowing an additional month and a half). Also, after this whole situation, it just feels "safe" here. All of this has combined with some other fears I have been working to let go of.
Whew...enough of that. Now, I'm ready to share something encouraging. Truth is that encouraging things have been happening ever since treatments ended. The mouth sores have healed, I can eat again, I have much more energy, etc. However, much of this had become overshadowed by my unpreparedness for post-treatment.
Therefore, the most encouraging point is that God is teaching me how to trust him again. I can tell you with all of my heart that God is infinitely faithful. Oh, how he has cared for us and provided for us. And he is letting me know that he does not stop. Regarding my health, God is saying, "I love you, so trust me." Regarding Bosnia and my fears, God is saying, "I love you, so trust me." Regarding my tastebuds, God is saying, "Oh, taste and see that I am good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in me!" (Psalm 34:8).
So, what now? I am ready to stop banking my hope in recovery and "safety." I am ready to bank my hope in his faithfulness and his promises. He loves me and I know I can trust him.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Answered Prayer is Seaux Good!
For years, I have wanted to go to the New Orleans Jazz Festival. It just so happened that the Jazz Fest was scheduled about a month after my treatments ended (although, I'm not so sure that was their intentional plan). Seemed like a good way to unwind after a long few months. Fortunately, my wonderful wife thought that this dream should come true for me. Plus, we would get to get time with Jess' family as well. So, the tickets were bought.
Well, I am currently writing this post after experiencing a wonderful day at the Jazz Festival. We got to enjoy Better Than Ezra, The Neville Brothers, and the Dave Matthews Band. They were all fantastic. Why wouldn't they be? I actually have a huge highlight apart from the music to share with you.
I love food from New Orleans. Therefore, I have been praying for awhile that I would be healed enough to enjoy some tasty cuisine at the Festival. As of yesterday, it still was very uncertain that this prayer would be answered as I hoped. I decided to take a chance.
We found one of the food lines and I began to watch what people were eating. I saw a pasta dish called Crawfish Monica that looked promising. Well...we had a winner!!! I was able to enjoy a great dish without it hurting me. I tasted every bite and savored it. I had a big sweet tea that felt so refreshing to swallow. Then there was a bonus...I still felt good enough to truly enjoy a serving of White Chocolate Bread Pudding. My prayer was more than answered and my expectations far exceeded.
Another praise and blessing was an overcast day, so I did not have to worry about being sunburned (since the radiation has made this a much higher possibility for me). It was also the longest Jess and I have been away from Anabell, and she was a little angel for her Nana and Papa. We are extremely grateful for them taking great care of her (with the help of some of her great-grandparents as well).
As I am writing this post, my mouth is actually hurting right now, but today was definitely a big milestone in my healing. Glory to God!
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