Pray for Selah...

Hey friends,

I want to ask you to pray for this 3-year-old girl, Selah.  Lance (her father) was one of my college roommates for a couple of years.  This family is very dear to us.  They are currently missionaries in Rwanda.  They have been in the process of moving, and a metal box accidentally fell on Selah's head.  Due to this accident, she has been suffering from a fracture to the base of her skull (which is causing her brain to swell), spinal fluid leaking from her ear, and damage to one of her eye sockets.  She is sedated and on ventilation.  Due to the swelling of her brain, the next 24 hours are extremely critical.

I must confess that prayer has been a spiritual discipline that I have struggled with the most.  I am one of those people that will tell someone, "I will pray for you," but then a couple of days later I realize I have forgotten.  This situation has certainly drawn me to my knees.  God hears our prayers and he answers.  I know that he will heal Selah.  Please pray without ceasing with me.

I got this picture in my head as I was praying this morning.  I saw Jesus, the Lover of our souls, standing next to Selah with his hand resting on her head.  He was saying, "I am here and I am not going anywhere.  I love you."  Praise our Father that we have a Great High Priest that knows our pain and sorrows.

If you would like to stay updated and get more details, here is a link to follow:

http://prayerwall.worldventure.com/lance-and-tiffany-ferguson/

Learning to Trust Again

It's time to get real.  I am definitely what you all an external processor and things become so much clearer for me when I can get it out.  Therefore, that is what I am going to do here.  I will attempt to make my thoughts coherent, but please forgive if I ever slip into stream of consciousness.  Also, please read all the way through to the end before you make any deductions about the situation or comments for me.

I was prepared for the cancer treatments.  I had prayed much, been prayed for much, and had totally rallied myself to take it head on.  God had taught me a lot about "considering it pure joy" and I was as ready as I would ever be.  While the treatments were not easy, I felt that everything went well and I was incredibly thankful for how God provided.  So, you can imagine how excited I was when the countdown arrived and we knocked the rest of those treatments out.  What came next, though, most definitely blindsided me.

Now, let's fast forward to the present real quick.  My last treatments were on April 1st (over 7 and a half weeks ago) and I still have a while to go to full recovery.  I can honestly say that my optimism did not allow me to expect anything like this.  To give you an idea, I had high hopes to eat Kerbey Lane pancakes during our trip to Austin the weekend after my treatments ended.  Ir was not until May 11th until I had my pancakes (6 weeks post-treatment).  The first 2 weeks after treatments were probably the hardest weeks of the whole experience (regarding pain and hopes being crushed).  It took about 2-3 weeks for all of my rashes to clear up and about a month a half for the mouth sores to heal.  I am finally being able to try foods that I have been hoping for, but my taste is far from fully returning.

Please understand me here...my goal is in no way to complain.  I am merely confessing that I was utterly unprepared for my post-treatment experience.  As I said before, I was definitely blindsided.  I also share all of this because I am finally dealing with the effects this unpreparedness and post-treatment have had on me.  The reason I am being so honest to share is because God is bringing things to light and teaching me to trust Him again.  I did not know things had come to that, but they had.  Allow me to share some of the major things that have come to light (and I'm putting myself out there).  Keep in mind that things will get more positive and encouraging after the list is over.

1.  That "first meal" was not what I imagined.  When we got back to the States in January, I had recovered well enough after the surgery.  So, when I finally bit into that Jumbo Joe's jumbo cheeseburger, it was wonderful.  Someone asked me one day, "Was it really that good?"  After eating and drinking everything through my nose for two weeks and then only having liquids for awhile...yes, it was that good.  So, I naturally had similar expectations for that "first meal" after treatments were over.  Once I could finally eat something solid again, it just didn't taste like I remembered.  During treatments, I could tell you exactly what I couldn't wait for.  Now, when people ask what I want or where I want to go, it's is very hard for me to pick because I still don't know what I might enjoy the most.

2.  Things are not going to be the same as before.  Don't get me wrong, I believe that God can fully restore my taste, feeling in my face and tongue, etc.  However, I have had the realization that there is a chance that I will not taste the same as before.  Also, I will be following up with doctors for at least the next 5 years (every 3 months with CT scans for the next 2 years, etc).  Everyone knows that things change as you grow older, but it feels like someone stole the remote and pressed fast forward.

3.  I have not been excited about going back to Bosnia.  I do not doubt that this is what God wants from us right now, and obedience to him is the most important thing to me in this.  However, a few things have made me fear this transition.  For example, I definitely allowed myself to have the expectation that I would be fully recovered before we returned (especially after we changed our plane tickets allowing an additional month and a half).  Also, after this whole situation, it just feels "safe" here.  All of this has combined with some other fears I have been working to let go of.

Whew...enough of that.  Now, I'm ready to share something encouraging.  Truth is that encouraging things have been happening ever since treatments ended.  The mouth sores have healed, I can eat again, I have much more energy, etc.  However, much of this had become overshadowed by my unpreparedness for post-treatment.

Therefore, the most encouraging point is that God is teaching me how to trust him again.  I can tell you with all of my heart that God is infinitely faithful.  Oh, how he has cared for us and provided for us.  And he is letting me know that he does not stop.  Regarding my health, God is saying, "I love you, so trust me."  Regarding Bosnia and my fears, God is saying, "I love you, so trust me."  Regarding my tastebuds, God is saying, "Oh, taste and see that I am good!  Blessed is the man who takes refuge in me!" (Psalm 34:8).

So, what now?  I am ready to stop banking my hope in recovery and "safety."  I am ready to bank my hope in his faithfulness and his promises.  He loves me and I know I can trust him.